Cat Tuesday – 6/13/17

Happy Tuesday, Catday! *meow*

I’ve missed the last two weeks’ meeting with Cat-sensei, unfortunately. But I’m back on form today and she asked me to do a bit more intensive five-card draw today instead of the usual two, and all from the same deck:

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Present Situation: Seven of Sea Reversed – Confusion and illusions are lifting. Time to trust what I know and that it’s safe to make decisions and move ahead with action.

Significant Past Factor: Eight of Earth Reversed – I’ve been so focused on work (or Work) for the last while that I’ve lost the joy and excitement of it all. No more of that.

Advice: Four of Sea – It’s okay to feel uninspired or down sometimes. Take it in stride. It’ll pass in time.

What Must Be Accepted: Nine of Earth Reversed – Too long I’ve been hiding behind my protective walls alone. Time to step out and see what the wider world has to offer. There’s good stuff out there.

Future Outcome: Nine of Sea – Everything I’ve been dreaming of can happen. It’s all out there if I’m just open to it and don’t give up.

I think I’m getting better at readings…or maybe my guides are getting better at leading me exactly the right way? All my draws lately have been crazy dead-on and all interconnected.

There’s literally *nothing* new here. Every single one of these cards is speaking to messages I’ve been getting from all over: from Everybody, every reading with every deck, every random sign, every song on shuffle, every conversation with Anyone. It’s getting really weird. Haha 😛

I’m listening, Y’all… 😉

A Year Of Animal Spirits, Month Six: Crane

Happy June everyone! It’s now Crane month for me.

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I know almost nothing about the Cranes I’ll be working with this month. I barely even know anything about their animal icon in general. Guess I should grab a book and do some reading so I’ll be able to pick up on and contextualize their lessons and symbolism a bit better…

So I really have no idea what this month will bring. Although weaving each other flower crowns and dancing through the woods or something like that would be pretty awesome about now after all this deep and serious stuff lately. 😛 😉

Warrior/Healer

I’ve been having interesting ongoing conversation with the Frogs this month. This tour of the clans was originally conceived as a chance for them to teach my brother and I who they are, but it’s become also a chance—the only official one they’ll have before we take oaths of service next spring—for them to teach us about who we are to them and how they see the world and who they need us to be to represent them in that Work properly.

The Frogs are healers, so I knew that would be part of this month’s journey. But the direction they took it…wasn’t what I expected. It built on this “eureka moment” I had early last autumn that changed the whole way I saw the world and my place in it (which I’ll talk about at some point here, but I’m waiting until I finish the “project” that changed it all). There have been a lot of moments and steps on this paradigm shift for me since then and the Frogs chose this month to show me the next one.

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Cat Tuesday – 5/16/17

Hello, Cats…

Not quite sure how my Cat Tuesday readings became A Thing here regularly again, but it’s feeling like a part of my journey that matters lately and that they want me to share so here we go:

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Six of Sky – Walk away from shit that sucks. Even if I was excited about it in the beginning. Especially if I was excited about it way back.

The Fool (Reversed) – Don’t be reckless.

*sigh*

I think I know what this week’s reading is about, even if Cat-sensei is playing coy. Two Certain Someones have seemed like They were back around lately, just out of sight–and my magickal wards. And in a moment of weakness I gave Them a temporary in…and I probably shouldn’t. (Now closed again; no worries.)

Doesn’t change that despite my best efforts, They still have a foothold on my heart. And I still think I’m probably going to have to square with that someday because I’m really not that good at hating.

But message received: Not This Day (…or any day soon).

Okie-dokie, got it.

Sorry, guys…

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Guidance (+ Cat Tuesday 5/9/17)

Since my last post, I’ve received a lot of guidance. It seems like Everyone, including Some that I haven’t talked to in quite a while, have been turning up with reassurance or else sending me messages to that effect. Don’t I understand how unique my position is here? Can’t I see how awesome and rare it is to know and have worked with and have history with *so very many People* and traveled to *so many Places* Out There? Think not about what I don’t/can’t have (a permanent “home” either Out There or here to call my own) and on what I *do* have in this. Basically…visas galore. It’s cool and it matters.

I’ve also been having dreams the last three nights (mostly of the non-dreamwalking but still significant sort) rather than my usual crappy—mostly astral-induced—PTSD/C-PTSD nightmares. Instead, they’ve actually been pretty supportive.

This pattern continued in my Cat Tuesday reading today, so here we go. Cat-sensei requested a five-card reading–which I originally learned for runes–and says that the Mystical Cats cards represent how things are and the little White Cats cards indicate my (probable, in some cases) responses. I’m pretty sure she’s influencing my interpretations again…hence the certainly and stuff:

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My Present Position:

Earth King – I have responsibilities. Don’t fucking falter, because people believe in me. And I know that. I tread in the footsteps of others before me. Keep caring for all this “family” (either born or made or chosen) and helping them feel safe and secure enough to reach out themselves.

Three of Wands Reversed – Basically, I see none of this coolness and feel like I’m lost and wasting my time. But I’m really not. Go with that.

 

Past Factors:

Ten of Fire Reversed – (Interestingly, this card came up not reversed in my big Cat Tuesday spread not long ago.) Energies were volatile and got out of control…but they unexpectedly grounded. Small fires are still there, yes, but not the inferno that it looked like or that I expected. It’s going to be okay.

King of Chalices – Powerful emotions triggered—and they were right to be. And it saved/helped me (and others who look to me). Whatever the appearances might have been, I never lost myself and it was a necessary fight that I should have no shame over. If I hadn’t done what I did, things would have been worse.

 

Guidance:

Death Reversed – Grieving and loss is dominating my experience. It’s time to let go. That life as I knew it is gone; it’s time to open my heart to something new.

The World Reversed – Incompletion: I don’t feel like I’m finished with all that…but I am. Again, time to let it go.

 

What I Can’t Change:

Three of Sky Reversed – The world has come down. Let it. Accept it. I’ll pay (or maybe already have) for my part and o/Others will (or have) for t/Theirs also. It’s done. I can’t go back, I can’t change what happened—and even if I could, it would do no good. Some things just are.

Six of Chalices Reversed – I’m clinging: fucking stop. Cats don’t cling. The past does not need to be my sole benchmark for the future. The past secretly sucked despite all the nostalgia, remember? Aim for something better and stop holding on so tight.

 

Future Outcome:

Sky Kitten Reversed – Reach. I am no better than those who came before me on this path…but I have a chance to claim so much more. I can break through the boundaries that destroyed them—for all of us. But never forget, I’d be nothing without their struggles and sacrifices before me.

King of Wands Reversed – I don’t have to war to get there; don’t let the warrior in me take over it all. And be not arrogant—I know where that leads and how it ends. (This pair probably makes no sense to anyone else who doesn’t understand the story of my spirit fam…and even I still don’t get it all, but it *matters* a lot.)

Feeling like Cat-sensei took over this reading again with her vibes and her language. Basically I know squat and I believe in even less. Not sure what the “Past” cards are about (last week or something bigger and further back, but it fits either way). I’m not screaming into the void as uselessly as I think. It’s not all lost. It’s not all for nothing. It just looks/feels that way sometimes.

Wellll…okie dokie. Honestly, I’m not sure how to believe any of this without doubt (or guilt) taking over, but…here goes? Not going to lie…pretty sure most of my p/Peeps are thinking I’m acting like an idiot right now…

Why is believing in myself so hard anyway?

 

Why?

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I’m fighting. Struggling. And I’m sick of it. I’ve done everything I know to do and I still feel like I have no hope most of the time. I realized this week that since I officially started calling actually myself a polytheist and spirit-worker in early 2015, I’ve now been living in despair and doubt and trying to “rebuild” for *twice* as long as I believed and trusted that everything would get better and be awesome.

A part of me wants to give up. A part of me wants to not care anymore. I think I can truly understand now why so many people walk away from this sort of path. If I could—if my love for my Beloveds and my family and my people and my Gods wasn’t so great, if Theirs for me wasn’t so extraordinary, if They weren’t the best thing left in my life, if I hadn’t taken oaths, if I hadn’t tried already twice in my lifetime here to shut down all this weird shit and failed so extravagantly each time because I can no more end it than voluntarily stop breathing—then maybe I would want to leave, too. But I can’t and I don’t. (And since I can’t then I’m firmly back in defiant brat territory, which my Gods and spirits kind of love about me in the first place.)

Any time I feel inspired or hopeful I full on break out the noise horns and happy dance around my kitchen and hold on like there’s no tomorrow…because my People have promised things will get better and maybe *this is the day* after all. But then crap happens and I feel slapped down again and then the despair is that much deeper and I feel like an idiot or like I’m doing something wrong for believing at all.

It’s been a rough week for so many reasons (like a doctor freaking me the hell out that those x-rays from a couple of weeks ago found something and they’ve missed it for all these years since I was spirit-attacked in college and I was going to have to have another invasive abdominal surgery…but nope, the x-ray reader was just a moron) and so I’m exhausted and emotionally drained.

But today, despite feeling totally unmotivated in every way, I did a reading. Anubis asked me to and I haven’t done a general reading (outside with the Cats) in a while so I sighed and agreed. And so, because I believe in sharing the struggles and not just the awesome, here we go:

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Where I am: Seven of Spirals – Inner strength, time to hold my ground. Don’t give up or give in.

What blocks my path: Six of Mirrors – I’m drowning in memories, and still so powerfully affected by the energies and patterns from the past.

Next step: Moon – Become the moon. (This probably makes no sense to just write but the moon and its associations is a Big Damn Thing to me from my spirit-people, so it makes sense to me.)

The lingering past: Three of Mirrors – I’m missing the sense of community and growing together that I felt like I had before.

The present: The Companion – Anubis indicated this card represented Him. He has strong opinions and is a little impulsive right now (like last night when I was half asleep and drowning in despair and He grabbed me and shook me to get my attention and I immediately regressed into *please don’t be angry and hurt me* mode and He was all “um, yeah, duh, I love you and wouldn’t do anything to hurt you here *as that is a given* obviously.”) We need to discuss things and He’s going to help me find a new way forward to get where I’m going.

The future: Elpi – Hope. Stars. Blazing light through the darkness.

My mindset: The Pilgrim – I am a traveler, a wanderer; I feel like I have no home and nowhere to belong. I’m chasing transformation and knowledge and awareness but it comes at the cost of everything easy and everything comfortable or safe. I’m supposed to remember: I was born for this road.

My environment: Two of Stones – Despite how it feels or looks to me, my path ahead is protected. I’m afraid I’m going to slip and fall. I’m afraid I’m going to lose it all (again), but there are Others out there testing the path before me. Trust that and stay strong.

What is hidden: The Acrobat – I’m a messenger—or I will be when I’ve learned my flexibility and strength. Everything I’ve been told is true. I’m still in my cocoon and so my progress is hidden from me but I *am* changing.

Outcome: Papa Legba – Liminality. I’ll always be in the spaces between one place and another…and those realms will maybe have their own gatekeepers, and maybe I’ll be always on the outside—but this realm out here is mine.

Basically what I’m getting here is that I’m never going to truly belong anywhere and should just accept it. I don’t want that. I don’t, don’t, don’t want that. It feels crappy and lonely to be always on the outside and never fit in anywhere…and that’s maybe the one thing I want most now, to experience community and feel less alone on my journey…but honestly deep down I’ve always known that this was my path. I’m hanging on and trying to fight like mad anyway and it’s only hurting me. I’m getting here that I can never win this one.

I’ve identified as a traveler most all my life here and it used to be what I dreamed of: so I’m asking myself when this became something ugly? When did it start to look less like a beautiful adventure and more like painful ostracization?

I think the first was when I realized (remembered) that, unlike most other folks who have a zillion past lives and have belonged so many places, I have only the one very long one that still affects me and my soul has never been welcomed anywhere ever. So I started to want what I’ve never had. And then it was sealed when I came to understand that as a traveler of “the roads” all I was likely going to have was people who passed though my life on the way from one place to another…and when they got there, they would almost certainly disown all the good things of the road and forgot me entirely (which has been the case with several friends). I feel like the Doctor during that one special when he swears off future companions because it breaks his heart too much to have everyone leave in the end.

Needless to say, this is not the lovely wonderful reading I was hoping for and I’m going to have to do a lot of thinking.

After, I asked Anubis if He would do “o/Our” spread too, also known as “Five Things Anubis Wants To Tell Me Right Now” and He very readily agreed. I literally pulled these cards and was at once like, “Oh, Gods…”

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Five of Spirals – This is my shadow work card. Diving inside. Fighting my hydras.

Ten of Stones – Possession or greed and worldly ties. In my personal readings it almost always means ideas or mindsets that I’m holding on too tightly to and need to let go of already because they’re really holding me back.

Five of Stones – Mourning. Desolation. Isolation and loneliness. Misery. Hopelessness.

Four of Spirals – Cleaning out the old. It’s time to sweep away what doesn’t serve me in preparation for a new beginning.

Phoenix – Rising from the ashes. New dawn. Transformation complete.

He doesn’t usually do chronology or hierarchy in this spread, just random things in no particular order…but these definitely tell and story and He says He meant them to do so.

Basically: I’m going to suffer and everything’s going to keep feeling like it sucks, but then eventually it’ll get better.

I can’t even express how much I don’t want to dive back in. I’m tired of suffering and “working shit out” or whatever. I’m sick to death of being cut back open to be healed right, of being re-broken so I’ll mend better the next time. Contrary to what this blog might lead you to believe, I really hate ordeals. It’s what I know, but not what I want.

And yet, this is my year of finding my way out of the labyrinth; last year (and a little bit before) stripped me of my illusions and false hopes and this year is all about figuring out what life after that looks like and why it’s still worth it. It’s taking me against all my impulses, everything I’ve done before.

That’s my weakness, I’m told. My soul has only ever been a survivor, a fighter, a soldier. I’ll go all Rambo and cauterize my own wounds with a red-hot knife even when there are healers *right there* waiting because it gets me back out on the line sooner and that’s all I’ve known. (A few months ago They put a moratorium on me attempting to heal myself because while I treat everyone else awesome, I’m pretty shitty to myself as a patient.) And then via “my way” those wounds don’t ever fully heal, just become layers and layers of scars to rip back open, and probably at the worst imaginable time.

I really don’t want any of this. But what’s my personal motto again? I want to know the truth, no matter how much it sucks…and it almost always does suck.

Damn it…

A Year Of Animal Spirits, Month Five: Frog

I’m a few days late finishing my new altar set-up (what else is new, haha) but it’s now the Month of the Frog. Whoo hoo!

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Not going to lie, I love frogs. I have since I was little. It was my (mortal) brother’s fave animal in childhood and we played out whole stories about the lives of frogs in the back of our old van during vacation trips. And when we were rebuilding our family garage (because we built rooms onto our house in the back so a car no longer fit and it had to be extended) the rock-workers left piles of sand in our yard for a while and we had hundreds of frogs that year—before the street kitties came along—and so we built them a sand “frog palace” for the duration of that summer.

In the Otherworlds, I know the Frogs are the Free Court’s healers. Unlike the Ravens, who are transitional, and the Serpents (Grandma is the only one…at least for now) who are catastrophic life-and-death types, the Frogs are ordinary healers. More like general practitioners. They specialize in minor wound treatment, poisoning, and `midwifery.

I’m not sure I’d be here as I am without them. Grandma Eshla and some of the eldest of the Frogs in the Court worked together to help with my astral healing late last year when all my old astral wounds tore back open.

I’m not sure what the lessons of this month will be. Maybe it will be healing. Or maybe it will be honing my own (rusty but I’m told non-trifling, I’m told) healing skills.

Whatever…seems good to me.