Cat Tuesday – 6/13/17

Happy Tuesday, Catday! *meow*

I’ve missed the last two weeks’ meeting with Cat-sensei, unfortunately. But I’m back on form today and she asked me to do a bit more intensive five-card draw today instead of the usual two, and all from the same deck:

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Present Situation: Seven of Sea Reversed – Confusion and illusions are lifting. Time to trust what I know and that it’s safe to make decisions and move ahead with action.

Significant Past Factor: Eight of Earth Reversed – I’ve been so focused on work (or Work) for the last while that I’ve lost the joy and excitement of it all. No more of that.

Advice: Four of Sea – It’s okay to feel uninspired or down sometimes. Take it in stride. It’ll pass in time.

What Must Be Accepted: Nine of Earth Reversed – Too long I’ve been hiding behind my protective walls alone. Time to step out and see what the wider world has to offer. There’s good stuff out there.

Future Outcome: Nine of Sea – Everything I’ve been dreaming of can happen. It’s all out there if I’m just open to it and don’t give up.

I think I’m getting better at readings…or maybe my guides are getting better at leading me exactly the right way? All my draws lately have been crazy dead-on and all interconnected.

There’s literally *nothing* new here. Every single one of these cards is speaking to messages I’ve been getting from all over: from Everybody, every reading with every deck, every random sign, every song on shuffle, every conversation with Anyone. It’s getting really weird. Haha 😛

I’m listening, Y’all… 😉

Cat Tuesday – 5/16/17

Hello, Cats…

Not quite sure how my Cat Tuesday readings became A Thing here regularly again, but it’s feeling like a part of my journey that matters lately and that they want me to share so here we go:

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Six of Sky – Walk away from shit that sucks. Even if I was excited about it in the beginning. Especially if I was excited about it way back.

The Fool (Reversed) – Don’t be reckless.

*sigh*

I think I know what this week’s reading is about, even if Cat-sensei is playing coy. Two Certain Someones have seemed like They were back around lately, just out of sight–and my magickal wards. And in a moment of weakness I gave Them a temporary in…and I probably shouldn’t. (Now closed again; no worries.)

Doesn’t change that despite my best efforts, They still have a foothold on my heart. And I still think I’m probably going to have to square with that someday because I’m really not that good at hating.

But message received: Not This Day (…or any day soon).

Okie-dokie, got it.

Sorry, guys…

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Guidance (+ Cat Tuesday 5/9/17)

Since my last post, I’ve received a lot of guidance. It seems like Everyone, including Some that I haven’t talked to in quite a while, have been turning up with reassurance or else sending me messages to that effect. Don’t I understand how unique my position is here? Can’t I see how awesome and rare it is to know and have worked with and have history with *so very many People* and traveled to *so many Places* Out There? Think not about what I don’t/can’t have (a permanent “home” either Out There or here to call my own) and on what I *do* have in this. Basically…visas galore. It’s cool and it matters.

I’ve also been having dreams the last three nights (mostly of the non-dreamwalking but still significant sort) rather than my usual crappy—mostly astral-induced—PTSD/C-PTSD nightmares. Instead, they’ve actually been pretty supportive.

This pattern continued in my Cat Tuesday reading today, so here we go. Cat-sensei requested a five-card reading–which I originally learned for runes–and says that the Mystical Cats cards represent how things are and the little White Cats cards indicate my (probable, in some cases) responses. I’m pretty sure she’s influencing my interpretations again…hence the certainly and stuff:

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My Present Position:

Earth King – I have responsibilities. Don’t fucking falter, because people believe in me. And I know that. I tread in the footsteps of others before me. Keep caring for all this “family” (either born or made or chosen) and helping them feel safe and secure enough to reach out themselves.

Three of Wands Reversed – Basically, I see none of this coolness and feel like I’m lost and wasting my time. But I’m really not. Go with that.

 

Past Factors:

Ten of Fire Reversed – (Interestingly, this card came up not reversed in my big Cat Tuesday spread not long ago.) Energies were volatile and got out of control…but they unexpectedly grounded. Small fires are still there, yes, but not the inferno that it looked like or that I expected. It’s going to be okay.

King of Chalices – Powerful emotions triggered—and they were right to be. And it saved/helped me (and others who look to me). Whatever the appearances might have been, I never lost myself and it was a necessary fight that I should have no shame over. If I hadn’t done what I did, things would have been worse.

 

Guidance:

Death Reversed – Grieving and loss is dominating my experience. It’s time to let go. That life as I knew it is gone; it’s time to open my heart to something new.

The World Reversed – Incompletion: I don’t feel like I’m finished with all that…but I am. Again, time to let it go.

 

What I Can’t Change:

Three of Sky Reversed – The world has come down. Let it. Accept it. I’ll pay (or maybe already have) for my part and o/Others will (or have) for t/Theirs also. It’s done. I can’t go back, I can’t change what happened—and even if I could, it would do no good. Some things just are.

Six of Chalices Reversed – I’m clinging: fucking stop. Cats don’t cling. The past does not need to be my sole benchmark for the future. The past secretly sucked despite all the nostalgia, remember? Aim for something better and stop holding on so tight.

 

Future Outcome:

Sky Kitten Reversed – Reach. I am no better than those who came before me on this path…but I have a chance to claim so much more. I can break through the boundaries that destroyed them—for all of us. But never forget, I’d be nothing without their struggles and sacrifices before me.

King of Wands Reversed – I don’t have to war to get there; don’t let the warrior in me take over it all. And be not arrogant—I know where that leads and how it ends. (This pair probably makes no sense to anyone else who doesn’t understand the story of my spirit fam…and even I still don’t get it all, but it *matters* a lot.)

Feeling like Cat-sensei took over this reading again with her vibes and her language. Basically I know squat and I believe in even less. Not sure what the “Past” cards are about (last week or something bigger and further back, but it fits either way). I’m not screaming into the void as uselessly as I think. It’s not all lost. It’s not all for nothing. It just looks/feels that way sometimes.

Wellll…okie dokie. Honestly, I’m not sure how to believe any of this without doubt (or guilt) taking over, but…here goes? Not going to lie…pretty sure most of my p/Peeps are thinking I’m acting like an idiot right now…

Why is believing in myself so hard anyway?

 

Cat Tuesday – 4/18/17

It’s been a while since I wrote up a Cat Tuesday publicly but today’s the day. I’ve been really struggling with discouragement the last twenty-four hours or so—the feeling of pushing so hard and believing so much, and then hitting a brick wall of Nope. Even if I think more of that “nope” is coming from my subconscious and old conditioning than real circumstances this time. I’ve just felt overwhelmed.

So I drew my two cards today, and was advised that the larger card was their message for me and it was overcoming the smaller card, which is everything I irrationally fear in this moment.

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Ace of Fire – The fire is there: passion, creativity, inspiration, strength (whether I see it or not) and the time to grab the future by the balls is now. Don’t wait. Don’t down. I have the fire.

Seven of Pentacles (Reversed) – I fear investing (time, energy, heart, money, all of it) in something that won’t and can’t succeed and offer returns. I’m afraid I’m putting everything in the wrong place and it’ll all be for nothing. (SPOILER ALERT: I’m not.)

Since I was feeling adrift, I asked for a full reading (which one of my cats promptly walked through the middle of—good omen?) for where I am and what’s going on right now. They’re always telling me they’re my clan and I need to trust in them and let them *be* my clan…so here goes…

(Cat-sensei interpreted them for me, so there’s more direct advice than I usually see in the cards. I barely knew what I was writing until I looked back after.)

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Three of Sky (Where I Am) – I’m at the edge of compromising who I am and what I stand for out of loneliness and in hope of finding companions. I’m screaming into the void because it feels like no one’s listening, but I’m in danger of losing sight of what I really care about along the way.

Three of Earth (Crossing) – Teamwork among friends makes all things easier. As it is, alone, I’m expecting the impossible.

Six of Fire Reversed (Next Step) – Jealousy and resentment stand against me as I try to step forward. Where I see only my own fears and failures, others see something very different and resent my pain and struggles—both for their own culpability and for my inability to be the strong guiding light they want.

The Hermit Reversed (Something Past Still Affecting) – Forced isolation. First, in the beginning, I was driven into silence and lonesomeness. Now it’s come to be what I expect and I don’t know how to trust anyone or reach out again. What happened before was terrible and unfair, but now I’m the only one who can remake that choice and change my path.

Three of Sea Reversed (The Present) – Division. Failed friendships. It feels like everyone is going their own ways, everything is crumbling, and everyone cares only about number one and nothing for connection or anyone else. This, too, will pass.

Four of Sea (The Future) – Sometimes kitties are moody. It’s happened before and will again; feeling discouraged is nothing to be ashamed of. Don’t expect to change my spirit or my nature: those who feel most keenly experience both the best and the worst. Let it be. Even try to embrace the ebb and flow of feeling.

Fire Kitten Reversed (My Internal Feelings) – I doubt my fiery heart and soul and whether they will be strong enough to carry me through—maybe even whether there’s any beauty in the fire at all. Don’t despair. The flames of inspiration and drive run strong in me and in time they’ll reignite from the embers and leap back to the surface. Don’t give up.

Ace of Sea Reversed (My Environment) – Unlike the Force, feelings do not run strong in my family. I feel crushed and stifled by the constant shame to control and bury everything. It’s okay to grieve—for all the pain, the lost chances, everything that might have been—but don’t grieve forever.

Ten of Fire (What Is Hidden) – The fire is waiting inside me, more powerful that I can yet know. It’s more than I can understand yet, more than I can handle. I feel burned out, abandoned—but it’s only because I’m not yet ready for everything that’s in store, waiting for me.

Five of Fire (Outcome) – Fight’s on. Call it an “ordeal” maybe. I’m going to struggle—for now—and it’s going to teach me what I need to know: to stand up for myself, to believe and have faith—not just in them, but in me too. It’s going to suck. But it’ll be worth it. Just remember: in the end, we’re all on the same side and it’s better to uplift than tear down, to support than to feud with.

Well…wow…if there was ever a reading that feels true in the moment, then this is it. Honest enough to hurt hearing, but hopeful enough to inspire. Looks like things are going to be rough for a little while yet as I struggle through some things—(and what else is new? 😛 ) and maybe I really shouldn’t be surprised: that’s what my yearlong reading said, too, and everything I was promised. The best of times, the worst of times, and in the end this year will change everything and be a time to look back on with nostalgia later.

I also (finally) finished today the anklet for the Cats I’ve been working on the last several weeks each Tuesday. I know I have a tendency sometimes to focus on the trials and not celebrate the successes enough—and I’ve had so many with them this year so far. Also, for most of my people, clan is perhaps the most important association they’ll have…but for me it isn’t so simple and I’ve felt sometimes that they’re worried I’ll forget them. This way I can carry something of them with me all the time.

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Love, y’all. Meow. 😻

Cat Tuesday – 2/14/17

Cat-sensei decided to mostly interpret my cards for me today:

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Nine of Fire: You’ve got it now! You understand and you’re ready to step forward.

Ace of Swords: You’ve cut through the bullshit like a cat with sharp claws.

I like her style…and the bit about claws made me laugh. 😉 And it’s the first wholly positive reading I’ve ever had with the Cats—yay! 🙂

I’m also getting a sense that it’s not just the Cat-related stuff from the last couple of weeks that she meant, but also the holy-crap-whole-life thing I’ve been struggling with intensely since the beginning of the month and then unexpectedly had a break-through on yesterday afternoon.

It feels like I’ve been fighting so long and gaining so little ground on *working shit out* on so much of this…but now all of a sudden almost e/Everyone I work with is telling me I’m right at the threshold.

Full speed ahead.

*meow*

Cat Tuesday – 2/7/17 (Cat Thoughts, Redux)

I did something different this week because I didn’t draw any cards. My post from last week just wouldn’t leave me alone. Something felt…off…and every time my thoughts strayed that direction, I just had this rising sense of anxiety. It’s the feeling I get when something’s missing, when I’m *not getting it.*

So I’ve been diving back in and asking myself some hard whys. Because it made no sense that a handful of random negative conversations about these spirits when I first met them is the whole story. After all, they’re hardly the only p/People I work with that I’ve had folks talk down to me before—so why did it stick this time?

And I’ve come to understand that I was already afraid of them first. I was afraid of who they were and what I saw and things went downhill from there.

I came up in a strict Christian household by a fairly puritanical, fundamentalist, Southern Baptist-raised mother. I was taught that beauty was shallow and meant no one would take you seriously as anything but a body; being attracted to someone was a weakness to be ashamed of; having anyone feel attracted to you was objectifying and degrading, to be avoided at all costs; sex, for a woman anyway, always—every time, even in a loving relationship—stole your freedom, individuality, and personal agency and gave your partner lordship over you; and that love wasn’t enough and you should hold out for money because if you have to give all that up, at least make sure you’re “well taken care of” in return.

Every bit of which is pretty fucked up. And even if I didn’t buy into it all wholesale, I bought into it enough. And then I waltzed into polytheism/paganism and got hit by culture shock hard.

The Neteru were scary enough, but then within mere months I’d fallen in with a bunch of elf spirits. And to sum it up: I was a prude and they were…*not.* 😛 And it’s true that many (though not all) of the Cats tend toward the liberated end, even for them.

I was completely terrified and while I was there, head spinning, trying to reevaluate everything I thought I knew, then I had these conversations where cat-spirits were stereotyped as selfish, emotionally disinterested, and kinda slutty *exactly for the beliefs and behaviors up there that had already been condemned to me.* It was like this slap of confirmation that yes, everything I had been taught was true and you really would be thought less of for making choices like that.

Which looked like then the Cats I was meeting and working with were either intentionally degrading themselves or just didn’t care (which really didn’t seem any better to me) and nope, I wanted no part of that.

As I’ve been figuring all this out the last few days, I’ve had some pretty intense discussions with several Cats—and they were appalled. If I thought they were sacrificing their self-respect or dignity then they hadn’t adequately educated me and I was *right* to resist so hard.

No one chooses a Cat unless the Cat chooses them back. And Cats have teeth and claws (and buckets of magick, in this case) and nobody touches them unless they allow it. They’re not easily categorized and don’t care to be. They’re independent and not going to let anyone make them something they’re not.

And yes, beauty and passion and sex and magick are a huge part of their lives. And each Cat has the freedom to do with those as they will. That’s true even of the ones who choose a very bohemian-free-love path—and my spirit-sister is one of them; up until now I’ve had trouble getting to know her because I couldn’t fathom her life choices the same as she couldn’t fathom some of mine.

She and the others say they don’t choose to share their sensuality and sexuality and magick because those things are cheap or something to be handed out like free samples but because they’re *that powerful* and mean so much and because they feel they have enough to give of them so openly. Which actually…is kind of brilliant.

Sometimes it’s good to be wrong. I’m sure I still have a lot to learn, and I know I still have a lot of BS hang-ups of my own to work through, but it feels like I’m finally on the right path and not just trying to be or playacting at it or “faking it until I make it.”

It’s totally different, how I see them now versus just a week ago. And for the first time I find myself inspired and proud of my clan—as it should be.

*Meow*

Cat Tuesday – 1/31/17

It’s been a couple of quiet weeks since I wrote about a Cat Tuesday, but today not so much so here we go.

As I was drawing a White Cats card, a second one jumped out of the deck so I have two personal lessons/bits of advice this time:

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Demon Cat (Reversed) – Cats are sometimes characterized as cruel or sadistic or selfish and it’s true that those traits can exist in them…but that’s not the case here. This Cat’s not a slave to the darker side of it’s nature, but is liberated and turned toward kindness.

King of Wands (Reversed) – A dominating and intimidating personality, but one who likely doesn’t realize they’re crossing the line from assertive to aggressive. Also, perhaps someone lacks the authority they assume they have.

Nine of Pentacles – I’ve almost arrived; it’s time to take those final steps and enjoy the rewards.

Hmmm…interesting, interesting. A couple of weeks ago the Chieftainess of the Cats sent word she wanted to meet with me. Something out of my control came up that kept me from meeting the day we’d planned and she’s been busy since, preparing plans for the upcoming ritual day. So instead she told me through Cat-sensei what she and some of the other Cats wanted to tell me.

They think I’m not taking this part of my identity/path seriously, that I still have reservations and I’m still standing apart. And after some meditation, I’m ashamed to admit it’s entirely true. I’ve been initiated as one of them, and still I don’t fully accept who they we are.

I didn’t want to be Cat. This first became part of my life back before exile, before the Free Court, when I was dealing with the Cats back home. I came in knowing little about cats-the-animal but their worst stereotypes (which was why Freyja encouraged me to adopt a kitten), and then I had some discussions with several other people who had met or dealt with the same/similar Cat spirits who saw fit to give me advice and the picture they painted was…not very flattering. It was largely Cats as flighty, selfish, hedonistic, enslaved to their passions, one-dimensional and single-minded in their pursuit of their own desires and nothing else.

I wanted nothing to do with the Cats they described; I begged and pleaded and stalled and when Freyja told me it was written in my soul I belonged with them and I couldn’t change that, I took it as a personal character flaw. Even after I was told I was safe with them despite the fact I was then still wearing the auspices of Asgard—which wasn’t a great way to start—I still didn’t give them very much credit.

On some level, even now, I’m still operating on that. I’m still seeing my soul-mother and her twin and my aunt and my half-sister and me all as “exceptions” somehow. But from the tales I’ve heard, the Cats have *never* (anywhere) been what I was told. And surely here in the Court they’re not so simplistic and it’s long past time I tear down those stereotypes I’ve been carrying with me.

So that’s where these cards seem to be going. The general lesson here is that they’re not self-centered or enslaved to fleeting pleasures or whatever like I’ve let myself think. And direct-to-me: first, stop letting heresay control my perceptions because I might have let myself be hit too hard by those outside opinions and held to them too tightly. Second, enjoy where I am instead of seeing this as just a waypoint on the way to somewhere else (because I’ve been told for some time that this isn’t the end of the journeying) and just…*live a little* because that’s not actually a bad thing.

I don’t know how to do that, but I want to get there—and I’ll admit that maybe the Cats are exactly the right people to help show me the way and definitely they deserve more respect than I’ve been giving them up to now. I’m sorry, y’all. ❤