I’m fighting. Struggling. And I’m sick of it. I’ve done everything I know to do and I still feel like I have no hope most of the time. I realized this week that since I officially started calling actually myself a polytheist and spirit-worker in early 2015, I’ve now been living in despair and doubt and trying to “rebuild” for *twice* as long as I believed and trusted that everything would get better and be awesome.
A part of me wants to give up. A part of me wants to not care anymore. I think I can truly understand now why so many people walk away from this sort of path. If I could—if my love for my Beloveds and my family and my people and my Gods wasn’t so great, if Theirs for me wasn’t so extraordinary, if They weren’t the best thing left in my life, if I hadn’t taken oaths, if I hadn’t tried already twice in my lifetime here to shut down all this weird shit and failed so extravagantly each time because I can no more end it than voluntarily stop breathing—then maybe I would want to leave, too. But I can’t and I don’t. (And since I can’t then I’m firmly back in defiant brat territory, which my Gods and spirits kind of love about me in the first place.)
Any time I feel inspired or hopeful I full on break out the noise horns and happy dance around my kitchen and hold on like there’s no tomorrow…because my People have promised things will get better and maybe *this is the day* after all. But then crap happens and I feel slapped down again and then the despair is that much deeper and I feel like an idiot or like I’m doing something wrong for believing at all.
It’s been a rough week for so many reasons (like a doctor freaking me the hell out that those x-rays from a couple of weeks ago found something and they’ve missed it for all these years since I was spirit-attacked in college and I was going to have to have another invasive abdominal surgery…but nope, the x-ray reader was just a moron) and so I’m exhausted and emotionally drained.
But today, despite feeling totally unmotivated in every way, I did a reading. Anubis asked me to and I haven’t done a general reading (outside with the Cats) in a while so I sighed and agreed. And so, because I believe in sharing the struggles and not just the awesome, here we go:
Where I am: Seven of Spirals – Inner strength, time to hold my ground. Don’t give up or give in.
What blocks my path: Six of Mirrors – I’m drowning in memories, and still so powerfully affected by the energies and patterns from the past.
Next step: Moon – Become the moon. (This probably makes no sense to just write but the moon and its associations is a Big Damn Thing to me from my spirit-people, so it makes sense to me.)
The lingering past: Three of Mirrors – I’m missing the sense of community and growing together that I felt like I had before.
The present: The Companion – Anubis indicated this card represented Him. He has strong opinions and is a little impulsive right now (like last night when I was half asleep and drowning in despair and He grabbed me and shook me to get my attention and I immediately regressed into *please don’t be angry and hurt me* mode and He was all “um, yeah, duh, I love you and wouldn’t do anything to hurt you here *as that is a given* obviously.”) We need to discuss things and He’s going to help me find a new way forward to get where I’m going.
The future: Elpi – Hope. Stars. Blazing light through the darkness.
My mindset: The Pilgrim – I am a traveler, a wanderer; I feel like I have no home and nowhere to belong. I’m chasing transformation and knowledge and awareness but it comes at the cost of everything easy and everything comfortable or safe. I’m supposed to remember: I was born for this road.
My environment: Two of Stones – Despite how it feels or looks to me, my path ahead is protected. I’m afraid I’m going to slip and fall. I’m afraid I’m going to lose it all (again), but there are Others out there testing the path before me. Trust that and stay strong.
What is hidden: The Acrobat – I’m a messenger—or I will be when I’ve learned my flexibility and strength. Everything I’ve been told is true. I’m still in my cocoon and so my progress is hidden from me but I *am* changing.
Outcome: Papa Legba – Liminality. I’ll always be in the spaces between one place and another…and those realms will maybe have their own gatekeepers, and maybe I’ll be always on the outside—but this realm out here is mine.
Basically what I’m getting here is that I’m never going to truly belong anywhere and should just accept it. I don’t want that. I don’t, don’t, don’t want that. It feels crappy and lonely to be always on the outside and never fit in anywhere…and that’s maybe the one thing I want most now, to experience community and feel less alone on my journey…but honestly deep down I’ve always known that this was my path. I’m hanging on and trying to fight like mad anyway and it’s only hurting me. I’m getting here that I can never win this one.
I’ve identified as a traveler most all my life here and it used to be what I dreamed of: so I’m asking myself when this became something ugly? When did it start to look less like a beautiful adventure and more like painful ostracization?
I think the first was when I realized (remembered) that, unlike most other folks who have a zillion past lives and have belonged so many places, I have only the one very long one that still affects me and my soul has never been welcomed anywhere ever. So I started to want what I’ve never had. And then it was sealed when I came to understand that as a traveler of “the roads” all I was likely going to have was people who passed though my life on the way from one place to another…and when they got there, they would almost certainly disown all the good things of the road and forgot me entirely (which has been the case with several friends). I feel like the Doctor during that one special when he swears off future companions because it breaks his heart too much to have everyone leave in the end.
Needless to say, this is not the lovely wonderful reading I was hoping for and I’m going to have to do a lot of thinking.
After, I asked Anubis if He would do “o/Our” spread too, also known as “Five Things Anubis Wants To Tell Me Right Now” and He very readily agreed. I literally pulled these cards and was at once like, “Oh, Gods…”
Five of Spirals – This is my shadow work card. Diving inside. Fighting my hydras.
Ten of Stones – Possession or greed and worldly ties. In my personal readings it almost always means ideas or mindsets that I’m holding on too tightly to and need to let go of already because they’re really holding me back.
Five of Stones – Mourning. Desolation. Isolation and loneliness. Misery. Hopelessness.
Four of Spirals – Cleaning out the old. It’s time to sweep away what doesn’t serve me in preparation for a new beginning.
Phoenix – Rising from the ashes. New dawn. Transformation complete.
He doesn’t usually do chronology or hierarchy in this spread, just random things in no particular order…but these definitely tell and story and He says He meant them to do so.
Basically: I’m going to suffer and everything’s going to keep feeling like it sucks, but then eventually it’ll get better.
I can’t even express how much I don’t want to dive back in. I’m tired of suffering and “working shit out” or whatever. I’m sick to death of being cut back open to be healed right, of being re-broken so I’ll mend better the next time. Contrary to what this blog might lead you to believe, I really hate ordeals. It’s what I know, but not what I want.
And yet, this is my year of finding my way out of the labyrinth; last year (and a little bit before) stripped me of my illusions and false hopes and this year is all about figuring out what life after that looks like and why it’s still worth it. It’s taking me against all my impulses, everything I’ve done before.
That’s my weakness, I’m told. My soul has only ever been a survivor, a fighter, a soldier. I’ll go all Rambo and cauterize my own wounds with a red-hot knife even when there are healers *right there* waiting because it gets me back out on the line sooner and that’s all I’ve known. (A few months ago They put a moratorium on me attempting to heal myself because while I treat everyone else awesome, I’m pretty shitty to myself as a patient.) And then via “my way” those wounds don’t ever fully heal, just become layers and layers of scars to rip back open, and probably at the worst imaginable time.
I really don’t want any of this. But what’s my personal motto again? I want to know the truth, no matter how much it sucks…and it almost always does suck.