First Group Ritual

Over the weekend, I went to my first-ever public pagan ritual. I’d been to a wedding, but never a regular event like this Midsummer celebration before.

It was pretty great, but also…very different. The thing that caught me the most off-guard was how *here* the ritual part was. My own personal rituals are either in astral or straddling the worlds and take place simultaneously on both sides. I’ve never even given any thought to that. But this was completely grounded in one place and time and people in this world. It was a little jarring to me at first, actually, because it almost made the Gods and spirits feel further away. Greater, more powerful, more “godlike” and strange, yes…but also more inaccessible somehow. It was a completely different experience and aspect of polytheism then I’d known before and so that was really cool and enlightening.

I was a bit nervous going in, though, because it was a heathen blot and…as most of y’all probably know there are a few People in that bunch that I have some pretty negative history with and two I even have something like restraining orders against—with an exception for crossing paths in meetings or rituals either in astral or here. But even though I had mentally prepared myself for every single one of Them I had problems with to be invoked, only one actually was (and it was inevitable; that’s the thing with having trouble with Someone so prominent in a pantheon 😛 ). So I felt fortunate about that.

And then most of the evening was just hanging out with everyone, enjoying mead and beer and food potluck-style and just having…fellowship (it seems really weird to use that word outside Christianity, but it’s the only one I have). I really didn’t expect to find that kind of feeling it again and it helped to restore some of my hope and faith in people and in pagan/polytheist community that I’d lost in the last year and a half or so.

So much fun…and I’m going to try to go to the next one, too. 😀

Solstice Thoughts

Hope everyone had a lovely solstice! 🙂

I’m wrapping up my celebrations and it was kind of a weird one for me. There were some Choices that came up that needed to be made…and they were exactly about the parts of myself and my path that I still have the most fear and resistance about. They were also decisions that I thought were made a long time ago and I didn’t have to think about them anymore, so I was totally blindsided when everything came up.

It’s been a tough couple of weeks trying to work through it all in time and that process brought up a lot of other questions and doubts that I usually manage to just not think about too much. It really doesn’t seem fair that every time I get a handle on things or start feeling like everything’s going well and looking up, it’s like I “level up” to drown in a whole new ocean of weirdness all over again. *sigh*

So a lot of the solstice ended up feeling serious and even a little somber for me. The fact that it rained the whole day and the sun never came out actually felt very apropos. I still had lots of fun celebrating with Anubis yesterday, and I did my things with Kintár and Raen and the Court, but everything was very small and quiet and low key and there was very much a dichotomy at play.

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(thanks tiny snek, for summing up my thoughts so perfectly…)

I’m trying not to feel sad or guilty that I couldn’t do more big stuff. Earlier this year I had all these plans for what I was going to do—lighting lots of candles and burning incense and setting off some of those tiny fountain-fireworks or sparklers or something, and making offerings but…not so much. So I keep reminding myself that it wasn’t bad, it was just different this year.

And that’s actually one of the things I look forward to about holidays now that I’ve been keeping the same ones in much the same ways for two of three years now. Because they’re still always different. Sometimes it’s big stuff and sometimes just little things but the rituals and celebrations are never quite the same from one time to the next. And not only my own personal practices and but the ways the Gods and spirits in my life celebrate the turning of the year also.

So I really don’t quite know how to feel about this solstice. It was love and fun and choices and stress and discussions and moving forward and lots of powerful and conflicting emotions yanking me in every direction. I think it was good, but right now I’m just exhausted by all these transformation moments and shenanigans I keep having—no matter how productive or right or good they even up turnng out to be. 😛

Love

I don’t have words yet for today. It’s all just about love. *Cue tequila shots and romantic Scottish music for funsies and old times’ sake.*

It’s my and Anubis’s first wedding anniversary today. ❤

I can’t believe it’s been a whole year. I can’t believe it’s been only a year.

I love you, Husband. And thanks for everything today…You know all the reasons why. 🙂

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(PS-image is absolutely not mine: this is one of my fave Anubis art things by dark natasha via deviantart. All credit goes to the amazing artist; I just love this image. 😉 It was one of the ones in my shrine to make up for not having a statue/figure for over a year so it feels special to me now.)

Storm Water

It stormed here last night. We’ve had several rainy evenings this week, but this was an especially lovely rain.

(What do I expect after writing for Tefnut yesterday, right? 😉 It’s kind of A Thing. Two summers ago when I was making the statues for my Neteru altar it was very dry…but every day that I worked on Her statue, it unexpectedly rained when it wasn’t forecasted. Since then, any time we really needed the rain I could handle her statue and/or light incense before it and every time it’s rained within 72 hours and all but once or twice before nightfall.)

Unlike the previous rains, there was even some thunder and lightning and lots of wind this time. It’s exactly the sort of storm that’s my favorite, so I sat outside on the porch with it for a few hours.

And unexpectedly, I felt this overwhelming nudge to collect some of the rainwater. I’ve never collected storm water like this…and honestly I’m not really sure why or what I’m supposed to do with it. For now I’ve just sealed it up in a special jar and I guess I’ll find out. 🙂

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Cat Tuesday – 6/13/17

Happy Tuesday, Catday! *meow*

I’ve missed the last two weeks’ meeting with Cat-sensei, unfortunately. But I’m back on form today and she asked me to do a bit more intensive five-card draw today instead of the usual two, and all from the same deck:

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Present Situation: Seven of Sea Reversed – Confusion and illusions are lifting. Time to trust what I know and that it’s safe to make decisions and move ahead with action.

Significant Past Factor: Eight of Earth Reversed – I’ve been so focused on work (or Work) for the last while that I’ve lost the joy and excitement of it all. No more of that.

Advice: Four of Sea – It’s okay to feel uninspired or down sometimes. Take it in stride. It’ll pass in time.

What Must Be Accepted: Nine of Earth Reversed – Too long I’ve been hiding behind my protective walls alone. Time to step out and see what the wider world has to offer. There’s good stuff out there.

Future Outcome: Nine of Sea – Everything I’ve been dreaming of can happen. It’s all out there if I’m just open to it and don’t give up.

I think I’m getting better at readings…or maybe my guides are getting better at leading me exactly the right way? All my draws lately have been crazy dead-on and all interconnected.

There’s literally *nothing* new here. Every single one of these cards is speaking to messages I’ve been getting from all over: from Everybody, every reading with every deck, every random sign, every song on shuffle, every conversation with Anyone. It’s getting really weird. Haha 😛

I’m listening, Y’all… 😉

Calling Myself Out

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Despite my best intentions and efforts, this has been another really difficult week. The cosmic 2×4 has been working overtime and I’ve found myself drowning in one painful realization or difficult conversation after another.

First it was the idea that maybe no one actually *owes* me anything. The universe doesn’t owe me anything. I’m not owed happiness because I’ve been unhappy in the past. I’m not owed security because I’ve never felt safe. I’m not owed belonging because I’ve only ever been an outcast. I’m not owed love or kindness just because I’ve loved and sacrificed so much and so passionately. Because I don’t actually *deserve* anything, per se.

The only p/People who *owe* me anything, that I can legitimately expect or demand anything from, are those who have chosen it: that is, people who have taken oaths or given vows or made agreements with me and absolutely no one else. Not included are the people who made promises and then broke them or people who used to have obligations to me and failed spectacularly but now it’s all expired.

That was an extremely unsettling and discouraging thought, but it took me all week to figure out why.

Then there was the scary-relevant reading I did under spirit-direction that was not at all ambiguous: *I* am the one blocking my own path forward right now. Only me.

And, same reading and equal certainty, that the wound that’s driving me right now is “Father.” (Not shocked: my soul-father has refused to recognize me as His child and handed me over to captivity; my former astral-plane adoptive father held me hostage for thousands of years and abused me in two lifetimes; my mortal father has been largely cold, pumped me for love and energy and service, and then pushed me aside when I wasn’t “useful” anymore.) There’s a hole in my heart that should be filled by unconditional fatherly love and isn’t.

It’s true and I know it is. I’ve been running from it a long time. And my desperation for a father’s love and approval has been behind almost all the worst mistakes my soul has ever made. And given who my “fathers” are, that’s a weakness I can’t afford to keep carrying anymore. It’s time to let go of the what-ifs and the what-might-have-beens.

The last thing was something Raen said last night. All this time I’ve been terrified that I was too broken to fix or even to be worth trying to save. He said that brokenness I feel is real and really there, and it is beyond salvage…but the break isn’t actually in me but in my *persona.*

My twin and I both have them, the masks and games we adopted to survive this long. But somewhere along the way we forgot what we were surviving for, survival became its own endgame, and we ended up becoming our personas and forgetting our true selves. It’s our armor shattering and not us, but we’ve forgotten how to tell the difference.

I didn’t know what to do with any of this crap, but all week I’ve had the nagging sense that whatever the real point was…I wasn’t getting it. Until the last twenty-four hours when in a cascade, it all started falling together and making sense.

And so I’m calling it as it is:

I am still on some level holding on to my own brokenness…because I’ve been clinging to this idea that my abusers *owe* me something by way of recompense and so my pain is my evidence and if I lose it then I lose my claim on that. I want them to see it. I want them to have to face up to what they’ve done to me. And I want them to care. I want them to try to make amends—they can’t, but I want them to know the despair of realizing that and spend the rest of their days trying anyway.

Which is stupid. If these p/People loved me enough to give a flying fuck what they’ve done to me, then they would never have done it in the first place. It’s the sort of BS I’ve seen and recognized in others, but I didn’t know it was in me also.

And there’s more than just that. My soul’s oldest and deepest wound is being unworthy. Even before Kintár and I were born, our Aesir soul-father and the King of Asgard decided we were not enough, were worthless and only a liability to them. It’s why we were held captive and locked up as we were when that wasn’t the original plan.

And then in this lifetime it was made clear to me early on that I wasn’t the “special” child, the “miracle” child (bullshit, but not to them). I remember a discussion when I was little between me and my (mortal) mom and brother where I was told that I was the difficult one who had hurt her and almost killed her and he was the easy one who fixed her and made things right again.

It’s my fear: that I really am unworthy. That I’m going to fail my twin and my triad and my family and my people and my Gods and myself and that there’s nothing I can do to change that.

So more than anything, I want those p/People who decided that about me to change their minds, to realize they were wrong, to believe in me while they still have anything to lose by doing so because my future is still uncertain, and for them to doubt themselves and their perceptions the way I have.

Which is, if anything, even stupider. Because even if that happened, it would mean or prove exactly nothing about me.

I really, truly didn’t know I was subconsciously carrying all this. And I’m kind of pissed off about it now that I do know. 😛 That’s way more control over me and my actions than I want my abusers to still have.

So, new plan. I choose not to care about any of that anymore. Now that I know my thoughts, I can excise or reshape them however I want. I can decide to turn away and walk a different direction from here out. And I do.

Instead, I choose love. I choose happiness. I choose epic shit. I choose to build a life of wonder, loving and loved by Gods and spirits and people who are awesome and don’t suck, and to just leave these asshats behind me in the darkness and meanness and selfishness they’ve chosen.

And, hey, maybe this is the better revenge anyway. The thing they all shared was a desire to mold and control me for their own ends and purposes…and that’s the one thing they don’t get to have now. Because I’m going to have a beautiful life anyway, on my own terms and without their permission.

So there.

(If I could save the expressions and energies of my Beloveds right now, I would. Kintár is still thinking through it all and has that “dayum…yassss” face I had a few hours ago when this began coming together for me. Anubis is giving me this nod-and-smile like I’m finally, finally, finally getting it and He alway knew I would. Raen is *glowing* like I just won him the lottery…because he says who I am right here in this moment is what he’s believed in and seen in me all along and so I just proved him right.)

I’ll be honest: I don’t know exactly what changed today, but it’s good. And I don’t know for sure what happens from here, only that everything feels different.

Warrior/Healer

I’ve been having interesting ongoing conversation with the Frogs this month. This tour of the clans was originally conceived as a chance for them to teach my brother and I who they are, but it’s become also a chance—the only official one they’ll have before we take oaths of service next spring—for them to teach us about who we are to them and how they see the world and who they need us to be to represent them in that Work properly.

The Frogs are healers, so I knew that would be part of this month’s journey. But the direction they took it…wasn’t what I expected. It built on this “eureka moment” I had early last autumn that changed the whole way I saw the world and my place in it (which I’ll talk about at some point here, but I’m waiting until I finish the “project” that changed it all). There have been a lot of moments and steps on this paradigm shift for me since then and the Frogs chose this month to show me the next one.

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