Despite my best intentions and efforts, this has been another really difficult week. The cosmic 2×4 has been working overtime and I’ve found myself drowning in one painful realization or difficult conversation after another.
First it was the idea that maybe no one actually *owes* me anything. The universe doesn’t owe me anything. I’m not owed happiness because I’ve been unhappy in the past. I’m not owed security because I’ve never felt safe. I’m not owed belonging because I’ve only ever been an outcast. I’m not owed love or kindness just because I’ve loved and sacrificed so much and so passionately. Because I don’t actually *deserve* anything, per se.
The only p/People who *owe* me anything, that I can legitimately expect or demand anything from, are those who have chosen it: that is, people who have taken oaths or given vows or made agreements with me and absolutely no one else. Not included are the people who made promises and then broke them or people who used to have obligations to me and failed spectacularly but now it’s all expired.
That was an extremely unsettling and discouraging thought, but it took me all week to figure out why.
Then there was the scary-relevant reading I did under spirit-direction that was not at all ambiguous: *I* am the one blocking my own path forward right now. Only me.
And, same reading and equal certainty, that the wound that’s driving me right now is “Father.” (Not shocked: my soul-father has refused to recognize me as His child and handed me over to captivity; my former astral-plane adoptive father held me hostage for thousands of years and abused me in two lifetimes; my mortal father has been largely cold, pumped me for love and energy and service, and then pushed me aside when I wasn’t “useful” anymore.) There’s a hole in my heart that should be filled by unconditional fatherly love and isn’t.
It’s true and I know it is. I’ve been running from it a long time. And my desperation for a father’s love and approval has been behind almost all the worst mistakes my soul has ever made. And given who my “fathers” are, that’s a weakness I can’t afford to keep carrying anymore. It’s time to let go of the what-ifs and the what-might-have-beens.
The last thing was something Raen said last night. All this time I’ve been terrified that I was too broken to fix or even to be worth trying to save. He said that brokenness I feel is real and really there, and it is beyond salvage…but the break isn’t actually in me but in my *persona.*
My twin and I both have them, the masks and games we adopted to survive this long. But somewhere along the way we forgot what we were surviving for, survival became its own endgame, and we ended up becoming our personas and forgetting our true selves. It’s our armor shattering and not us, but we’ve forgotten how to tell the difference.
I didn’t know what to do with any of this crap, but all week I’ve had the nagging sense that whatever the real point was…I wasn’t getting it. Until the last twenty-four hours when in a cascade, it all started falling together and making sense.
And so I’m calling it as it is:
I am still on some level holding on to my own brokenness…because I’ve been clinging to this idea that my abusers *owe* me something by way of recompense and so my pain is my evidence and if I lose it then I lose my claim on that. I want them to see it. I want them to have to face up to what they’ve done to me. And I want them to care. I want them to try to make amends—they can’t, but I want them to know the despair of realizing that and spend the rest of their days trying anyway.
Which is stupid. If these p/People loved me enough to give a flying fuck what they’ve done to me, then they would never have done it in the first place. It’s the sort of BS I’ve seen and recognized in others, but I didn’t know it was in me also.
And there’s more than just that. My soul’s oldest and deepest wound is being unworthy. Even before Kintár and I were born, our Aesir soul-father and the King of Asgard decided we were not enough, were worthless and only a liability to them. It’s why we were held captive and locked up as we were when that wasn’t the original plan.
And then in this lifetime it was made clear to me early on that I wasn’t the “special” child, the “miracle” child (bullshit, but not to them). I remember a discussion when I was little between me and my (mortal) mom and brother where I was told that I was the difficult one who had hurt her and almost killed her and he was the easy one who fixed her and made things right again.
It’s my fear: that I really am unworthy. That I’m going to fail my twin and my triad and my family and my people and my Gods and myself and that there’s nothing I can do to change that.
So more than anything, I want those p/People who decided that about me to change their minds, to realize they were wrong, to believe in me while they still have anything to lose by doing so because my future is still uncertain, and for them to doubt themselves and their perceptions the way I have.
Which is, if anything, even stupider. Because even if that happened, it would mean or prove exactly nothing about me.
I really, truly didn’t know I was subconsciously carrying all this. And I’m kind of pissed off about it now that I do know. 😛 That’s way more control over me and my actions than I want my abusers to still have.
So, new plan. I choose not to care about any of that anymore. Now that I know my thoughts, I can excise or reshape them however I want. I can decide to turn away and walk a different direction from here out. And I do.
Instead, I choose love. I choose happiness. I choose epic shit. I choose to build a life of wonder, loving and loved by Gods and spirits and people who are awesome and don’t suck, and to just leave these asshats behind me in the darkness and meanness and selfishness they’ve chosen.
And, hey, maybe this is the better revenge anyway. The thing they all shared was a desire to mold and control me for their own ends and purposes…and that’s the one thing they don’t get to have now. Because I’m going to have a beautiful life anyway, on my own terms and without their permission.
(If I could save the expressions and energies of my Beloveds right now, I would. Kintár is still thinking through it all and has that “dayum…yassss” face I had a few hours ago when this began coming together for me. Anubis is giving me this nod-and-smile like I’m finally, finally, finally getting it and He alway knew I would. Raen is *glowing* like I just won him the lottery…because he says who I am right here in this moment is what he’s believed in and seen in me all along and so I just proved him right.)
I’ll be honest: I don’t know exactly what changed today, but it’s good. And I don’t know for sure what happens from here, only that everything feels different.