I’ve been having interesting ongoing conversation with the Frogs this month. This tour of the clans was originally conceived as a chance for them to teach my brother and I who they are, but it’s become also a chance—the only official one they’ll have before we take oaths of service next spring—for them to teach us about who we are to them and how they see the world and who they need us to be to represent them in that Work properly.

The Frogs are healers, so I knew that would be part of this month’s journey. But the direction they took it…wasn’t what I expected. It built on this “eureka moment” I had early last autumn that changed the whole way I saw the world and my place in it (which I’ll talk about at some point here, but I’m waiting until I finish the “project” that changed it all). There have been a lot of moments and steps on this paradigm shift for me since then and the Frogs chose this month to show me the next one.

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No More Waiting

I haven’t felt like writing the last few days. I was really hoping at the end of last week that things would start get better finally…but nothing is ever that easy, right?

It’s felt like I’ve been trapped in some kind of Greek tragedy where everything goes wrong and I’m not quite sure afterward how it happened. But then my Beloveds, and Anubis especially, have kept intervening and trying to turn things back around so now I feel like I have emotional whiplash from all the turnabouts.

Someone close to me (in my mundane life) told me point-blank this week that they aren’t capable of empathizing with me or providing any emotional support or anything (but they still “need” me to keep helping them and being there for them). *sigh*

Which just really, really sucks.

So…in a lot of ways I kind of feel like I’m going “back in the closet” because this was the last person that I see physically on a regular basis who I felt like I could talk to at all about any of my weird stuff. Obviously they still know what I believe and that’s not going to change but I don’t see myself mentioning or sharing anything more now (at least not for a long, long time).

It feels like this hole in my life—but I think maybe it’s not going to stay that way. My Husbands, my spirit-family, and my clan have all stepped up to tell me that I’m not really alone and that they can and will be my support…which is kind of this weird full circle moment because in many ways that’s how all this crazy began, with my astral friends the only folks I could really trust.

And They promise me that this isn’t all there is: because this is the third time in the last year and a half or so that I’ve gotten some variation on the *don’t have time for you but need you to keep being there for me or you’re heartless and have given up on me* speech from different people (yes, I’m a softie who cares too much and gives these people way too much time and leeway in my life; I’m working on it :P). They promise the whole world isn’t like this and there are good people who love and have empathy and care about others. (And I know that, really, because I already know some of them, they just live in other cities hours or states away from me. 😥 )

Lastly, Anubis has stepped back up as my primary advisor/life coach this-side, especially in matters about my shop and other goals. Much of the time my anxiety and self-doubt push me to get a second opinion about big decisions and He’s now taking over that role and has asked me to avoid discussing specific business with anyone else until it’s done or at least decided.

So I’m just lighting my incense and listening to my music and trying to stay positive in all this. (And anyway, I’ve already had my day of complete despair and self-loathing and guilt for “not being enough” or “needing too much” and I’m over that, over thinking that way.) This is a chance to grow. This is a chance to build trust with Them. Good things.

And maybe, just maybe, this is the final “permission” I’ve needed to detach and go my own way here. Because I’m not the one who made this choice. I’ve done all I can do in this relationship and I haven’t given up. Maybe one day things will change and be different between us…but I just can’t wait any longer.

I didn’t expect to feel relieved at being “cut off” this way, but I kind of do. (Or maybe it’s just because Anubis seems a little bit gleeful about all the cool stuff he insists is going to happen now because He gives better advice anyway and now I’m listening. 😉 😛 )

Cat Tuesday – 5/16/17

Hello, Cats…

Not quite sure how my Cat Tuesday readings became A Thing here regularly again, but it’s feeling like a part of my journey that matters lately and that they want me to share so here we go:


Six of Sky – Walk away from shit that sucks. Even if I was excited about it in the beginning. Especially if I was excited about it way back.

The Fool (Reversed) – Don’t be reckless.


I think I know what this week’s reading is about, even if Cat-sensei is playing coy. Two Certain Someones have seemed like They were back around lately, just out of sight–and my magickal wards. And in a moment of weakness I gave Them a temporary in…and I probably shouldn’t. (Now closed again; no worries.)

Doesn’t change that despite my best efforts, They still have a foothold on my heart. And I still think I’m probably going to have to square with that someday because I’m really not that good at hating.

But message received: Not This Day (…or any day soon).

Okie-dokie, got it.

Sorry, guys…


Guidance (+ Cat Tuesday 5/9/17)

Since my last post, I’ve received a lot of guidance. It seems like Everyone, including Some that I haven’t talked to in quite a while, have been turning up with reassurance or else sending me messages to that effect. Don’t I understand how unique my position is here? Can’t I see how awesome and rare it is to know and have worked with and have history with *so very many People* and traveled to *so many Places* Out There? Think not about what I don’t/can’t have (a permanent “home” either Out There or here to call my own) and on what I *do* have in this. Basically…visas galore. It’s cool and it matters.

I’ve also been having dreams the last three nights (mostly of the non-dreamwalking but still significant sort) rather than my usual crappy—mostly astral-induced—PTSD/C-PTSD nightmares. Instead, they’ve actually been pretty supportive.

This pattern continued in my Cat Tuesday reading today, so here we go. Cat-sensei requested a five-card reading–which I originally learned for runes–and says that the Mystical Cats cards represent how things are and the little White Cats cards indicate my (probable, in some cases) responses. I’m pretty sure she’s influencing my interpretations again…hence the certainly and stuff:


My Present Position:

Earth King – I have responsibilities. Don’t fucking falter, because people believe in me. And I know that. I tread in the footsteps of others before me. Keep caring for all this “family” (either born or made or chosen) and helping them feel safe and secure enough to reach out themselves.

Three of Wands Reversed – Basically, I see none of this coolness and feel like I’m lost and wasting my time. But I’m really not. Go with that.


Past Factors:

Ten of Fire Reversed – (Interestingly, this card came up not reversed in my big Cat Tuesday spread not long ago.) Energies were volatile and got out of control…but they unexpectedly grounded. Small fires are still there, yes, but not the inferno that it looked like or that I expected. It’s going to be okay.

King of Chalices – Powerful emotions triggered—and they were right to be. And it saved/helped me (and others who look to me). Whatever the appearances might have been, I never lost myself and it was a necessary fight that I should have no shame over. If I hadn’t done what I did, things would have been worse.



Death Reversed – Grieving and loss is dominating my experience. It’s time to let go. That life as I knew it is gone; it’s time to open my heart to something new.

The World Reversed – Incompletion: I don’t feel like I’m finished with all that…but I am. Again, time to let it go.


What I Can’t Change:

Three of Sky Reversed – The world has come down. Let it. Accept it. I’ll pay (or maybe already have) for my part and o/Others will (or have) for t/Theirs also. It’s done. I can’t go back, I can’t change what happened—and even if I could, it would do no good. Some things just are.

Six of Chalices Reversed – I’m clinging: fucking stop. Cats don’t cling. The past does not need to be my sole benchmark for the future. The past secretly sucked despite all the nostalgia, remember? Aim for something better and stop holding on so tight.


Future Outcome:

Sky Kitten Reversed – Reach. I am no better than those who came before me on this path…but I have a chance to claim so much more. I can break through the boundaries that destroyed them—for all of us. But never forget, I’d be nothing without their struggles and sacrifices before me.

King of Wands Reversed – I don’t have to war to get there; don’t let the warrior in me take over it all. And be not arrogant—I know where that leads and how it ends. (This pair probably makes no sense to anyone else who doesn’t understand the story of my spirit fam…and even I still don’t get it all, but it *matters* a lot.)

Feeling like Cat-sensei took over this reading again with her vibes and her language. Basically I know squat and I believe in even less. Not sure what the “Past” cards are about (last week or something bigger and further back, but it fits either way). I’m not screaming into the void as uselessly as I think. It’s not all lost. It’s not all for nothing. It just looks/feels that way sometimes.

Wellll…okie dokie. Honestly, I’m not sure how to believe any of this without doubt (or guilt) taking over, but…here goes? Not going to lie…pretty sure most of my p/Peeps are thinking I’m acting like an idiot right now…

Why is believing in myself so hard anyway?


A Year Of Animal Spirits, Month Five: Frog

I’m a few days late finishing my new altar set-up (what else is new, haha) but it’s now the Month of the Frog. Whoo hoo!


Not going to lie, I love frogs. I have since I was little. It was my (mortal) brother’s fave animal in childhood and we played out whole stories about the lives of frogs in the back of our old van during vacation trips. And when we were rebuilding our family garage (because we built rooms onto our house in the back so a car no longer fit and it had to be extended) the rock-workers left piles of sand in our yard for a while and we had hundreds of frogs that year—before the street kitties came along—and so we built them a sand “frog palace” for the duration of that summer.

In the Otherworlds, I know the Frogs are the Free Court’s healers. Unlike the Ravens, who are transitional, and the Serpents (Grandma is the only one…at least for now) who are catastrophic life-and-death types, the Frogs are ordinary healers. More like general practitioners. They specialize in minor wound treatment, poisoning, and `midwifery.

I’m not sure I’d be here as I am without them. Grandma Eshla and some of the eldest of the Frogs in the Court worked together to help with my astral healing late last year when all my old astral wounds tore back open.

I’m not sure what the lessons of this month will be. Maybe it will be healing. Or maybe it will be honing my own (rusty but I’m told non-trifling, I’m told) healing skills.

Whatever…seems good to me.

Running Free With Horses

My month of the Horse is drawing to a close now. In many ways, it felt pretty quiet. I knew from the beginning that it would include a journey, which happened over the last few days. But looking back, I see their influence more than I did at the time.

All this month I’ve felt this compulsion toward wide openness. I’ve been looking at pictures of broad plains, thinking back and reliving my experiences traveling across the Midwest. The feeling of looking out across that sort of vastness, of running wild across that kind of expanse, has kept popping into my head and following me. Which is a little strange, because while I love visiting and marveling at that sort of land, in general I’m much more drawn to crazy varied terrain like mountains and forests and waterfall cliffs and stuff like that.

It took me most of the month to realize it was the Horses’ subtle influence. As the other clans before them, they were taking this month to show me what mattered to them so I could understand and protect it for them in my Work. Freedom. Openness. Nomadic life. Untamed adventure.

There’s quite a large clan of Horses in the Court. And I knew from Autumn Equinox last year that they served as a “welcoming committee” to help newcomers settle in and build their caravans when they arrive and join us.

I’ve learned this year that they’re also our traders. The Court makes/grows/hunts much of what we need, but there are some things we can’t and the Horses (being super hospitable and loving their nomadic freedom particularly) travel to other Kingdoms in the Between—of which there are many—to trade for us. Their groups are each accompanied by at least one Wolf protector.

So I went on one of these trips. The Ravens scouted particularly our path and a Wolf besides my twin came with us for protection even though we really didn’t need it. For my part, it was a longer-term bi-location that’s harder to maintain and I don’t do very often.

The kingdom we went to was…interesting. As I understand it, anyone who can carve out a piece of this astral Wild West can style themselves “King in the Between” and build a new mini-realm. So anything can exist here. This is not just a world of exiles but also of pop culture spirits and thought-forms and tulpas and emanations. It’s one of the most interesting and most dangerous things about the Between: because of its liminality and inherent instability, pretty much anything anyone can imagine can (and probably does) live here somewhere.

The Horses say they’ve been to this kingdom many times and become quite familiar with the traders here and their lord that they call “The Wolf King.” They said he falls under the umbrella of pop-culture spirits and it’s my first real contact with anything in that schema. I still don’t really know what that means or how it happens—whether that means these people are created by works of fiction or that they have at some point lent their image or name or story or some inspiration to a book for movie we here would know, just that my People say it *does* happen. If that’s true of this person it must be from something I don’t know, though, because he was totally unfamiliar to me.

It was kind of fun, traveling somewhere new like this. I really don’t go very many places Out There anymore—whereas I used to journey all over for one reason or another, over the last year plus I’ve been basically an astral homebody. So this was the first new place I’ve been in…probably about ten months, and it reminded me of the excitement I used to have seeing new places Out There I had all but forgotten.

Thanks for the adventure, Horses!