A Year Of Animal Spirits, Month Six: Crane

Happy June everyone! It’s now Crane month for me.

image1-46

I know almost nothing about the Cranes I’ll be working with this month. I barely even know anything about their animal icon in general. Guess I should grab a book and do some reading so I’ll be able to pick up on and contextualize their lessons and symbolism a bit better…

So I really have no idea what this month will bring. Although weaving each other flower crowns and dancing through the woods or something like that would be pretty awesome about now after all this deep and serious stuff lately. 😛 😉

Warrior/Healer

I’ve been having interesting ongoing conversation with the Frogs this month. This tour of the clans was originally conceived as a chance for them to teach my brother and I who they are, but it’s become also a chance—the only official one they’ll have before we take oaths of service next spring—for them to teach us about who we are to them and how they see the world and who they need us to be to represent them in that Work properly.

The Frogs are healers, so I knew that would be part of this month’s journey. But the direction they took it…wasn’t what I expected. It built on this “eureka moment” I had early last autumn that changed the whole way I saw the world and my place in it (which I’ll talk about at some point here, but I’m waiting until I finish the “project” that changed it all). There have been a lot of moments and steps on this paradigm shift for me since then and the Frogs chose this month to show me the next one.

Continue reading

The Right Question

I’ve been really frustrated lately with my continuing feelings of meh about everything—my life, my spiritual journey, all of it. And I’ve been asking for help and guidance for so long now and just kept ending up with the exact same answers.

I realized yesterday that maybe it’s because I keep asking the same questions: Why do I feel this way? What happened? What went wrong? Of course those answers don’t change. And honestly I always knew what brought me down this far…and at this point I’ve thought about it, I’ve let myself fully experience the pain and grieve for how it all went down, I’ve accepted that things are never going to be the way they were again, and I think as far as I’m capable of at this point I’ve found some peace with that.

(Which is not to say I don’t still have unfinished business, because I do. But what’s left is less rebuilding than creating a “new normal” in those areas—and I have to do that from a place of self-assurance, of strength and knowing exactly who I am, or things will just go sideways again. Since I’m still in the middle finding those, it’s not time yet.)

So yesterday—and I really can’t believe how long it’s taken me to realize the difference—I finally asked instead: What can I do now to move on and improve things from here?

*BOOM* New, different answers.

First, I’m in a state of burnout (which maybe seems obvious to others, but it wasn’t to me until now) and that’s okay. It wasn’t my fault and isn’t anything I should guilty about. 2015-2016 burned out a lot of people and I’m in good and vast company.

Second, stop trying to do less. Maybe for most cases of burnout that would be the right choice but not here, not for me. Because most of my love and passion and support system is in the Otherworlds and so the less I do and the more I pull away, the further I’m separating myself from everything that could help me recover.

Instead, I need to be doing more. Nothing big, nothing stressful…just the little stuff. I’ve been blindsided all of a sudden by how many practices that were my favorites, were the lovely everyday things of my relationships, I let fall away without really even noticing. Those are the ones I need to rekindle: lighting some incense or a candle regularly even if it’s just while I do something else, putting my playlist on shuffle and inviting Someone to be in charge of the music, looking at artwork that reminds me of the People and Places that I love, inviting Them to just hang out while I’m working, that kind of thing.

So in the last twenty-four hours I’ve done a complete turnabout to go in that direction. I thought it was going to be hard and I was going to dread doing each little thing, but…so far it hasn’t been like that and today was maybe the first since the one after May Day that I’ve felt actually excited about anything.

Maybe it’s working?

 

Cat Tuesday – 5/16/17

Hello, Cats…

Not quite sure how my Cat Tuesday readings became A Thing here regularly again, but it’s feeling like a part of my journey that matters lately and that they want me to share so here we go:

image1-45

Six of Sky – Walk away from shit that sucks. Even if I was excited about it in the beginning. Especially if I was excited about it way back.

The Fool (Reversed) – Don’t be reckless.

*sigh*

I think I know what this week’s reading is about, even if Cat-sensei is playing coy. Two Certain Someones have seemed like They were back around lately, just out of sight–and my magickal wards. And in a moment of weakness I gave Them a temporary in…and I probably shouldn’t. (Now closed again; no worries.)

Doesn’t change that despite my best efforts, They still have a foothold on my heart. And I still think I’m probably going to have to square with that someday because I’m really not that good at hating.

But message received: Not This Day (…or any day soon).

Okie-dokie, got it.

Sorry, guys…

tenor-2.gif

Guidance (+ Cat Tuesday 5/9/17)

Since my last post, I’ve received a lot of guidance. It seems like Everyone, including Some that I haven’t talked to in quite a while, have been turning up with reassurance or else sending me messages to that effect. Don’t I understand how unique my position is here? Can’t I see how awesome and rare it is to know and have worked with and have history with *so very many People* and traveled to *so many Places* Out There? Think not about what I don’t/can’t have (a permanent “home” either Out There or here to call my own) and on what I *do* have in this. Basically…visas galore. It’s cool and it matters.

I’ve also been having dreams the last three nights (mostly of the non-dreamwalking but still significant sort) rather than my usual crappy—mostly astral-induced—PTSD/C-PTSD nightmares. Instead, they’ve actually been pretty supportive.

This pattern continued in my Cat Tuesday reading today, so here we go. Cat-sensei requested a five-card reading–which I originally learned for runes–and says that the Mystical Cats cards represent how things are and the little White Cats cards indicate my (probable, in some cases) responses. I’m pretty sure she’s influencing my interpretations again…hence the certainly and stuff:

image1-43

My Present Position:

Earth King – I have responsibilities. Don’t fucking falter, because people believe in me. And I know that. I tread in the footsteps of others before me. Keep caring for all this “family” (either born or made or chosen) and helping them feel safe and secure enough to reach out themselves.

Three of Wands Reversed – Basically, I see none of this coolness and feel like I’m lost and wasting my time. But I’m really not. Go with that.

 

Past Factors:

Ten of Fire Reversed – (Interestingly, this card came up not reversed in my big Cat Tuesday spread not long ago.) Energies were volatile and got out of control…but they unexpectedly grounded. Small fires are still there, yes, but not the inferno that it looked like or that I expected. It’s going to be okay.

King of Chalices – Powerful emotions triggered—and they were right to be. And it saved/helped me (and others who look to me). Whatever the appearances might have been, I never lost myself and it was a necessary fight that I should have no shame over. If I hadn’t done what I did, things would have been worse.

 

Guidance:

Death Reversed – Grieving and loss is dominating my experience. It’s time to let go. That life as I knew it is gone; it’s time to open my heart to something new.

The World Reversed – Incompletion: I don’t feel like I’m finished with all that…but I am. Again, time to let it go.

 

What I Can’t Change:

Three of Sky Reversed – The world has come down. Let it. Accept it. I’ll pay (or maybe already have) for my part and o/Others will (or have) for t/Theirs also. It’s done. I can’t go back, I can’t change what happened—and even if I could, it would do no good. Some things just are.

Six of Chalices Reversed – I’m clinging: fucking stop. Cats don’t cling. The past does not need to be my sole benchmark for the future. The past secretly sucked despite all the nostalgia, remember? Aim for something better and stop holding on so tight.

 

Future Outcome:

Sky Kitten Reversed – Reach. I am no better than those who came before me on this path…but I have a chance to claim so much more. I can break through the boundaries that destroyed them—for all of us. But never forget, I’d be nothing without their struggles and sacrifices before me.

King of Wands Reversed – I don’t have to war to get there; don’t let the warrior in me take over it all. And be not arrogant—I know where that leads and how it ends. (This pair probably makes no sense to anyone else who doesn’t understand the story of my spirit fam…and even I still don’t get it all, but it *matters* a lot.)

Feeling like Cat-sensei took over this reading again with her vibes and her language. Basically I know squat and I believe in even less. Not sure what the “Past” cards are about (last week or something bigger and further back, but it fits either way). I’m not screaming into the void as uselessly as I think. It’s not all lost. It’s not all for nothing. It just looks/feels that way sometimes.

Wellll…okie dokie. Honestly, I’m not sure how to believe any of this without doubt (or guilt) taking over, but…here goes? Not going to lie…pretty sure most of my p/Peeps are thinking I’m acting like an idiot right now…

Why is believing in myself so hard anyway?

 

A Year Of Animal Spirits, Month Five: Frog

I’m a few days late finishing my new altar set-up (what else is new, haha) but it’s now the Month of the Frog. Whoo hoo!

image3-15

Not going to lie, I love frogs. I have since I was little. It was my (mortal) brother’s fave animal in childhood and we played out whole stories about the lives of frogs in the back of our old van during vacation trips. And when we were rebuilding our family garage (because we built rooms onto our house in the back so a car no longer fit and it had to be extended) the rock-workers left piles of sand in our yard for a while and we had hundreds of frogs that year—before the street kitties came along—and so we built them a sand “frog palace” for the duration of that summer.

In the Otherworlds, I know the Frogs are the Free Court’s healers. Unlike the Ravens, who are transitional, and the Serpents (Grandma is the only one…at least for now) who are catastrophic life-and-death types, the Frogs are ordinary healers. More like general practitioners. They specialize in minor wound treatment, poisoning, and `midwifery.

I’m not sure I’d be here as I am without them. Grandma Eshla and some of the eldest of the Frogs in the Court worked together to help with my astral healing late last year when all my old astral wounds tore back open.

I’m not sure what the lessons of this month will be. Maybe it will be healing. Or maybe it will be honing my own (rusty but I’m told non-trifling, I’m told) healing skills.

Whatever…seems good to me.